Many have been asking where I have been for the past week. This past Thursday I sent my little one ( 2.5 lb Yorkie) in to have her bi-annual teeth cleaning. She didn’t come home, that is until today and it was her cremains in a small little box with a heart on it in which her little foot print was impressed upon it. Having gone through this just 10 months ago with my other little girl, I know what's in the unopened box.
This past Thursday she went in to the vets in the morning and I had a contractors inspection to attend late the morning so I would be picking her up in the afternoon. I did not receive a call from the vets office so I called in to check what time to pick her up and I was asked to hold on a moment for the Vet. A bit strange but she picked up quickly and said “ how sorry she was that little Tinker had complications and died shortly after the procedure. I sort of went into shock not even able to talk.
So the past number of days I have been grieving and being alternatively angry. Having nightmares where she needed my help and I couldn’t reach her. Sleeping has consisted of falling asleep in a chair and awakening thinking she needs to go out.
Tinker had this really cute way about her, not being a barker, of coming into a room I was in and she would walk to some distance away where I could see her and then she would turn around and face me and would just look at me. She either needed to go out or wanted to eat. So I usually always asked both questions. When I hit on the right one, she would either run to the door or the Kitchen where her treats were. When I would be at my desk, however, she made this tiny little noise, I can't describe it but when I would hear it, I would look down and there she was. It was her way of talking to me that she needed something, mostly to go out, which she did about about 20 times a day. She loved walking in the grass , around and around, back and forth, never missing barely an inch of her private yard.
She was so easy on the eyes as a beautiful little girl with long hair, silver black with light tan markings. She had the most beautiful strut. I loved to watch her walk going to either side of the yard to do her business. She was so beautiful to watch, as she seemed lighter than air. She also had the cute way of questioning things. If she wondered about something or something different was in her path, she would lean to the right and raise her left front leg, not high but it was just so cute. As if to say, "hold up, I got a think a minute". What is this thing I have encountered.
Playing with her had to be on her level so being on the floor and feeling her nustling and nudging around my face and body was one my wonderful morning highlights. But when we felt scared or uneasy about something she would find comfort laying high on my chest under my neck. She never moved, this was her safe place. Everything in life was so oversized for her being so tiny. But on her morning walks, she was fearless. She knew how to walk so beautifully and never missed a step while setting the pace. When it came to her morning walks, this was the most exciting thing to her and she was always ready, any time, any place.
I can hardly bring myself to talk about having her memories, I still look for her in the morning. Late today I got her cremains and I haven’t opened the box as yet maybe because I know what’s in it and maybe because I don't want to accept that it is true. I find myself still grieving her loss while finding it difficult to believe it is true.
I have heard that people and pets can die from anesthesia and is not as rare as it ought to be. My emotions don’t seem to care that such things are possible, maybe it does happen but surely not to this little one when she had been thoroughly checked out before hand and the vet saw no issues with her health. Then of course I would reason if I had been there, having saved her life twice before once from a fall that knocked her out and stopped her breathing and a bee sting that closed up her trachea and she had stopped breathing, that I could have done something. I knew how to open up her trachea and breath for her those couple times when she was unable to breath. I used my own breath to breath for her until she would feel strong enough to do it herself. Life sometimes is about circumstances and I can't help to question , if only.....
Now My little sweet and wonderful creature awaits for me at the Rainbow Bridge where I hope she has met up with her sister CeCe, my other little one in heaven. CeCe was taken from life last Sept after fighting cancer for 2 and half valiant years. These little sweet wonders in life make our lives complete until that difficult day that comes way too soon and often without notice. And then they tear our hearts out when they leave us and in this case, without even a way to say Goodbye.
I dedicate this post to my Little Tinker’s memory. May she always know that I love her and miss her so very much. And I now have to accept the promise that we will all one day be rejoined together, never ever needing to say Goodbye again.